The Feminist Housewife - I'm not BSing you!

After reading an article in New York magazine that detailed the lives of so-called "feminist housewives," I was shocked and appalled to have been (half-jokingly) calling myself that since I decided to stay home with my daughter nearly two years ago.  The article (read here: The Retro Wife) goes on and on forever, but in summary basically states that the choice of whether or not to stay home with kids or to pursue a career is obsolete because real women would always choose staying home.  I was livid that anyone would even suggest that a woman choosing to have a career could not be a good mother.  I was even more infuriated that the writer (and the "feminists" she interviewed) suggested that men, as fathers, can't take just as active a role as their female counterparts in raising a child.
I found this article at Jezebel that was written as a rebuttal of sorts to the New York article.  The Jezebel article claims that the idea of a feminist housewife is 'bullshit' and that women who choose to stay home are doing so out of guilt and a desire to perpetuate gender stereotypes.  However, the writer of the article, it seems, does not have much experience with being a "stay-at-home mom" or "housewife."
I want to find the middle ground between these articles and actually write from the perspective of a feminist housewife.  Not the kind New York writes about.  I don't pack lunches, keep a spotless house or even cook dinner most nights.  My days are filled with writing essays, reading textbooks, changing diapers, trying not to trip over toddler toys and vacuuming cheerios out of the living room rug.  Staying home with my daughter was a choice, but not a choice driven by a burning maternal instinct to nurture my child.  While being able to give my daughter extra snuggles and be her primary source of learning during her first couple of years is definitely an added bonus to staying home with her, my main reason for staying home was about my goals: I wanted to finish school.
I planned on going back to work soon after having my daughter.  However, when I realized what an undertaking just raising a child was, I knew that school work and a full-time job would slow down the progress of my education, and in the end, my career.  The end goal of school for me is to obtain my MSW (masters of social work) in order to get licensed as a social worker (LCSW).  There are about a million different career paths I'd like to take once I graduate, and honestly I haven't narrowed it down completely.  Before having my daughter I was already working in social services, so in a way my career had already begun, but only at an entry level.  Once I finish school I will return back to work and never look back.  I know this to be true because I am already itching to get back into the workforce, but I also know that if I go back now it will postpone my graduation and slow down my career advancement.
As for my home life, it is far from a 50s sitcom.  My husband works forty-eight (plus) hours a week with an hour long commute to and from work.  He works his ass off.  He still comes home most nights and helps me with cooking and cleaning; not because I'm lazy but because he is one of the few men who understand that taking care of a child and being a full-time student is hard work too.  We have both agreed that once I go back to work he will be the primary caretaker in our family.  He is amazing with my daughter and she actually prefers him.  Am I bad mother because of that? No.  Am I being selfish? Not in my opinion.  If all of my daughters mental, emotional and physical needs are being met, then why does it matter who stays home with her or even if she's in daycare for that matter?  Both of my parents worked full-time jobs and I spent my early childhood and most Summers in daycare.  I'm not worse-off because of it.
Yes, feminist housewives do exist.  Do I LIKE folding laundry and scrubbing dishes? No.  But do I do it out of some internal need to be a better wife/mother/daughter? No, I do it because someone has to do it; and right now if I want MY dreams to come true sometimes that means putting on the yellow rubbermaid gloves and getting elbow deep in dirty dishwater.  However, I also get to spend some days riding my Harley or hiking alone (whether through the woods or through Target), because my husband recognizes my need for "me" time (again, because he values what I do as a full-time job).
I still go by 'Ms.' - I kept both of my last names - I protest when I can - I took my daughter to frolic amongst the lesbian at Atlanta Pride - I don't shave my legs - I still believe that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle *wink wink Gloria Steinem* - and I still know with every fiber of my being that gender and sexuality are as fluid as water.  I am a feminist. I am a full-time mother (and student).  I CAN fulfill both roles.

WLR 1: Cut Out Sodas

It will be a couple of weeks before I can get in to see my endocrinologist and the dietician.  I want to speak with both of them before mapping out any major diet changes, but I wanted to go ahead and make my first "Whole Life Resolution."  So, I figured one thing that everyone could benefit from cutting out is sodas. Voila! My first resolution.  I will cut out sodas.  At one point I never had soda, but lately it seems I drink 1-2 servings a day! Eww.  I'll still allow myself to have milk, juice and even my half sweet/unsweet tea; like I said in the intro, baby steps.  I have planned on making two sets of resolutions every week; one for diet and one for exercise, but being my first week I didn't want to be overwhelmed (and we also have a vacation scheduled for this weekend!).  Well, there it is - my first resolution.  I set it in place about 3 days ago, and so far, so good.  I know that since I still have other drink options it is easy, but it's a conscious decision I have to make not to drink them, so it's still a lifestyle change for me.

Whole Life Resolutions

I recently posted a picture on Instagram that revelas my whole body and included a shot of my scale tipping in at 294.5 pounds. I weighed less than that on the day I delivered my daughter twenty months ago!  When I graduated from high school I was 5'8" and weighed around 150 pounds, which is healthy and proportionate for my frame.  Now, ten years later I've nearly doubled my weight and have all sorts of health problems that you would expect to see with morbid obesity.  As a child I always turned to food when I was bored or upset.  Being unhappy with my weight as a teenager led to an eating disorder and the consequential weight loss, but still I was not satisfied with my weight.  It took many months to get over the guilty, hate-filled feeling I felt every time that I ate.  Eventually, I recovered.  Once the food-guilt subsided, I was always scared to diet or watch what I ate for fear that it would be the catalyst that started the downward spiral into another eating disorder.  Reckless eating habits and a not-so-active lifestyle would probably cause anyone to gain a few pounds; however, I have a few health conditions (I'll get more into that later) that can lead to weight gain.  Those two ingredients were a recipe for disaster, hence the massive weight gain.  For so long I have been in denial about how much weight I've gained.  Over time I quit looking at the scale, started to ignore my increasing dress size, and totally disregarded how sick and tired I was feeling. 

Fast-forward to last week.  After neglecting to take the medication for my Hoshimoto's (an autoimmune thyroid disease) for an entire week I could barely get off of the couch.  I felt subhuman and lethargic.  After a few days of feeling like this I noticed my twenty month-old daughter was beginning to be less physically active.  She was mimicking the actions she saw from me - laying around, being sedentary.  I realized that I could not let my health impact her that way.  I got on the scale to assess the damage and nearly had a nervous breakdown when I realized I was just a few, small pounds from weighed 300 pounds.  I knew I had to do something.  I could go on and on about how devastated I was that I'd gotten to this point, but I think you can all imagine the pain and guilt of feeling like you've let yourself AND your child down... so I'll just let that marinate with you for a moment.

Now, it is just coincidence that this revelation came just days before the start of a new year.  I decided that I needed to do some preparation in order to get back into good health the right way.  I have an autoimmune disease called Hoshimoto's thyroiditis.  Basically my thyroid doesn't function properly so my antibodies (immune system warriors that fight off infection) spend their time/energy on trying to kill my thyroid instead of doing their normal job.  Not only does it affect my immune system, but it has a negative impact on just about every aspect of my health.  Hoshi's can make it incredibly difficult to lose weight due to hormonal imbalance.  Also, I have a metabolic disorder called PCOS.  PCOS can manifest in many different ways, but my cluster of symptoms include insulin resistance, androgen dominance (too much testosterone), progesterone deficiency (the hormone that sustains pregnancy) and... weight gain.  So... with all of that said, I knew I needed to seek help from my endocrinologist (who I already see for thyroid nodules) and the dietician he works closely with.

Well, I set up the appointment with my endo and dietician, but knew that I needed to make a lifestyle plan to help facilitate the changes I needed to make.  The system had to be stet up in a way that was doable for me on a long-term basis.  After a lot of research what I've found is that most people who go through dramatic weight loss (without weight loss surgery) are likely to say that the best way to accomplish your goals is to take baby steps.  I've also read that when making lifestyle changes you should always give yourself 2 weeks to adjust to changes, and that if you can do something for 2 weeks it will become habit.  That lead me to believe that the best way for me to accomplish my larger goal (of losing 100+ pounds) would be to tackle smaller goals every 2 weeks.  By smaller goals I don't mean weight loss milestones, I mean lifestyle changes - resolutions, in a way.  So, by making these "Whole Life Resolutions" every 2 weeks I hope to be able to stick to my changes.