After reading an article in New York magazine that detailed the lives of so-called "feminist housewives," I was shocked and appalled to have been (half-jokingly) calling myself that since I decided to stay home with my daughter nearly two years ago. The article (read here: The Retro Wife) goes on and on forever, but in summary basically states that the choice of whether or not to stay home with kids or to pursue a career is obsolete because real women would always choose staying home. I was livid that anyone would even suggest that a woman choosing to have a career could not be a good mother. I was even more infuriated that the writer (and the "feminists" she interviewed) suggested that men, as fathers, can't take just as active a role as their female counterparts in raising a child.
I found this article at Jezebel that was written as a rebuttal of sorts to the New York article. The Jezebel article claims that the idea of a feminist housewife is 'bullshit' and that women who choose to stay home are doing so out of guilt and a desire to perpetuate gender stereotypes. However, the writer of the article, it seems, does not have much experience with being a "stay-at-home mom" or "housewife."
I want to find the middle ground between these articles and actually write from the perspective of a feminist housewife. Not the kind New York writes about. I don't pack lunches, keep a spotless house or even cook dinner most nights. My days are filled with writing essays, reading textbooks, changing diapers, trying not to trip over toddler toys and vacuuming cheerios out of the living room rug. Staying home with my daughter was a choice, but not a choice driven by a burning maternal instinct to nurture my child. While being able to give my daughter extra snuggles and be her primary source of learning during her first couple of years is definitely an added bonus to staying home with her, my main reason for staying home was about my goals: I wanted to finish school.
I planned on going back to work soon after having my daughter. However, when I realized what an undertaking just raising a child was, I knew that school work and a full-time job would slow down the progress of my education, and in the end, my career. The end goal of school for me is to obtain my MSW (masters of social work) in order to get licensed as a social worker (LCSW). There are about a million different career paths I'd like to take once I graduate, and honestly I haven't narrowed it down completely. Before having my daughter I was already working in social services, so in a way my career had already begun, but only at an entry level. Once I finish school I will return back to work and never look back. I know this to be true because I am already itching to get back into the workforce, but I also know that if I go back now it will postpone my graduation and slow down my career advancement.
As for my home life, it is far from a 50s sitcom. My husband works forty-eight (plus) hours a week with an hour long commute to and from work. He works his ass off. He still comes home most nights and helps me with cooking and cleaning; not because I'm lazy but because he is one of the few men who understand that taking care of a child and being a full-time student is hard work too. We have both agreed that once I go back to work he will be the primary caretaker in our family. He is amazing with my daughter and she actually prefers him. Am I bad mother because of that? No. Am I being selfish? Not in my opinion. If all of my daughters mental, emotional and physical needs are being met, then why does it matter who stays home with her or even if she's in daycare for that matter? Both of my parents worked full-time jobs and I spent my early childhood and most Summers in daycare. I'm not worse-off because of it.
Yes, feminist housewives do exist. Do I LIKE folding laundry and scrubbing dishes? No. But do I do it out of some internal need to be a better wife/mother/daughter? No, I do it because someone has to do it; and right now if I want MY dreams to come true sometimes that means putting on the yellow rubbermaid gloves and getting elbow deep in dirty dishwater. However, I also get to spend some days riding my Harley or hiking alone (whether through the woods or through Target), because my husband recognizes my need for "me" time (again, because he values what I do as a full-time job).
I still go by 'Ms.' - I kept both of my last names - I protest when I can - I took my daughter to frolic amongst the lesbian at Atlanta Pride - I don't shave my legs - I still believe that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle *wink wink Gloria Steinem* - and I still know with every fiber of my being that gender and sexuality are as fluid as water. I am a feminist. I am a full-time mother (and student). I CAN fulfill both roles.
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